I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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