bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
