God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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