Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I could have mohawked her pubes.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
