Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The ass gains better be worth it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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