All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
