i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
