I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Don't EVER smell your tampon
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
