Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
