Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
