Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
