Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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