It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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