$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
