He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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