your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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