I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
