I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
