end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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