I faked an abortion last night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
