I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize