i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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