dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
