The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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