wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
