my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
