remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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