Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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