I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize