I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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