I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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