did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
