is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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