"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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