Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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