i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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