brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
