we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
