Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Who died my cat blue again?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
