Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
