i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
