I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
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