i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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