Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
