I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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