hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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