Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
