Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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