I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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