How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
