I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
