He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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