if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
