Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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