It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
