You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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