**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize