Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
