I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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