i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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