I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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