At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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