every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i came on her dog
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
