MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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